Continuing the Journey to Learn, Grow, and INSPIRE....
Here I go again. This Saturday, I will be on stage competing with the WBFF Show in NYC!! Preparing for this competition was nothing like the first time around.
In April 2014, my goal was to face my fear of getting on stage in a bikini. I couldn't tell you how afraid I was with just the thought, let alone actually going through with it. But none the less, it turned out to be one of the best moments in my life. I had such a great experience prepping for my first show. I just made up my mind that the only thing I was going to do was to have fun and showcase my hard work. Ad that's exactly what happened. I had the time of my life. Still nervous as hell, but I had a blast. I promised myself to live in every moment and appreciate it, instead of thinking about the 'competition' aspect of the show.
That evening, I placed second in Diva Bikini Masters. I was so proud of myself and happy that I was able to do something that made my daughter proud of me. She was one of the biggest motivations. As parents, we sometimes look for moments for our children to do things to make us look good. I think it should be the opposite. As parents, we should constantly work on ourselves and have our children feel proud of us. They will learn to understand what it takes to motivate and inspire themselves and others.
With that being said, after I placed second, I couldn't wait to prepare for my next competition and see if I can 'bring a better package to the stage' as a competitor would say. But after binging on not so clean food, I ended up looking like I did when I had prepped before my first comp. I was so disappointed in myself and had my first setback. I started doubting whether or not I could even do this. When I finally found the motivation to 'go hard' in the gym again, I pushed too hard and my left arm went numb. I pusched hard with the wrong mindset and wrong motivation. I pushed with anger, anxiety and pressure that I believed people placed on me. The 'people' aka the voices of insecurities started creeping in. Mine said ' You placed second. Everyone will expect you to place first' ' People are expecting you to get your pro card.
I was no longer having fund and couldn't remember why I was even doing this anymore. Am I doing this because I am trying to prove something? What and to who? Am I doing this because my coach worked so hard to get me to this point and I don't want to let her down? Am I doing this because I received so much praise the first time and I need it to feel good about myself? Am I doing this because this is the one thing that brought me sanity when I fell into a depression in 2013 and it filled a void? What void am I trying to fill instead of dealing with it?
After my left arm went numb, I lost mobility in my hand. My next setback. 6-8 weeks of both physical and occupational therapy 3x a week. WTF!!! I thought to myself, I am done. This is not gonna happen. And it didn't. I was unable to compete in WBFF Rhode Island that November. The first WBFF show I went to the year before, that made me decide to compete. And now I can't be a part of that. I was pissed off and again found myself angry.
During the weeks of PT and OT, it gave me time to reset and re evaluate what I'm doing and why. And boy was that process ugly. Not only did my insecurities come out, but this time I was backing them up with excuses. Are you ready for my excuses?
This industry is for the young sexy Latina girl and the blue eyed blond girl. I have no business competing. That same year, my teammate, Courtney Allen won her pro card and later that year, WBFF Pro Fleur Yvette won in the Championships in Montreal. Two beautiful black women with amazing physiques. The Universe, God, whatever or whomever you chose to believe in got in my face and told me to STFU. You either want it or you don't. You are either going to work for it or you're not. Stop bullshitting. Stop hiding and most importantly stop making excuses. Check yourself! And I did.
I love the stage. I love working out and I love competing. We all want the prize at the end. I would be lying to you if I said I didn't care about that. But I win regardless. Because through ALL my insecurities, setbacks and hardships, I had an amazing coach, teammates, friends and family who carried me through this process and continue to be there for me. I will NEVER forget that. I am truly honored to be on the Elite Heat team. I am grateful for my family and friends. There's nothing in the world that can replace the lessons I've learned while pushing my way through comp prep. The new relationships Ive built on this team and the closer bonds I formed with my family especially my daughter.
I've shared my struggles and obstacles with my 8 year old daughter. I know that, although she is fearless now, one day she will find out about her shortcomings, will make mistakes and go trough hardships. I am ready to show her how to fight and work through them. And I get to do it with one of the things I truly love to do with the right positive mindset; working out, competing and most importantly inspiring people to go after their goals in life no matter what.
What do I want out of this? To pay it forward. Give back the way this process has been rewarded to me. I want to give myself and help a person in need the way Ashley McCormack has done for me. I want to be that breath of fresh air, motivation and inspiration at the perfect time, the way Courtney Allen was for me. I want to be the person you can say what ever to me without judgement or restrictions when angry, the way Joanne Cajuste was for me. I want to change lives the way my coach and now my dear friend has changed my life.
I want to be my daughter's role model and show her that no matter what stage you are on in life, you can achieve the impossible by NEVER giving up.
Everyone has a moment and a time to shine and inspire someone...Saturday will be my moment and time.
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